Updated: Mar 1
so I joined Orange Theory Fitness yesterday and ordered a salad lol. O_O (I'm against restaurant salads).
Sometimes you just have to keep going even when it feels hopeless. Even when everyone has seen you fail over and over and your brain and body are like..."Why are you doing this to us!" I look back on the times I worked hard and made real progress in my fitness and didn't even appreciate it bc I was so focused on where I was not! I would lose focus and feel compared to every beauty standard around me. So I threw progress away the moment I got triggered because I felt hopeless. Every time. I would start with pure intentions, confidence, and enthusiasm but somehow feel contaminated along the way with what everyone else thought and how differently people (mainly men) treated me for every 5 pounds lost. It made me anxious, angry and left me so empty that I would do anything to fill the void, numb myself and escape the pressure of being "enough." Afraid that I never would be that to anyone, I would flash back to all the rejections and feel that familiar pressure to keep up my image that I'd felt even at my most fit, most confident. I would then conclude how cruel and crushing the world is and relapse into binge eating sabotaging months of progress. A cycle of shame.
But here I go again. Learning to stop and be aware. To let triggers lead me into opportunities to heal. To admit my issues to myself and others without shame, be where I'm at without the need for everyone to accept me. To nurture my own heart, own my story, address trauma at my own pace and actually celebrate all the awesome things that are right with me, boldly, right in front of ppl who might only see what's "wrong." And that's true health. I am at the highest weight I've been in years. Because of an anxiety-driven addiction, disorder, chemical imbalances and traumatic memories that make it really hard. However, I'm not going to go through it in secret and only talk about it after the fact once I look like a barbie - giving struggling ppl an image that feels impossibly far away. I'd rather share now, and let those who relate know they're not alone. We got this.