Updated: Feb 18
People love to talk about letting go of whatever doesn’t serve you ... There’s no true discernment or humility in that. There are different seasons in every path and relationship. There are times where you are the one serving, pursuing, investing￼￼￼￼ and times where you desperately need someone to do that for you… not because you take them for granted or because you don’t want to change but because you’re genuinely hurting. Sometimes it’s the safety of that unconditional love and support that finally creates environment for change. Now I do believe there’s a time to set strong boundaries and give space ...but that’s what discernment is for. Too many people are walking away before it’s time. Too many people are unwilling to take the risk of sacrificial love, bc they are busy protecting themselves instead of trusting that Love is powerful enough.
One of my best professional relationships is one that was a thorn in my side. But for some reason I could not shake that person. And so instead of cutting them off like everyone told me, I hit my knees and asked God to change me. Even though everyone around me could see how wrong that person was and told me to let them go. I asked God if there was something more He wanted to do. I literally purchased a book by Steve Backlund and listened to that thing over and over again renewing my mind and praying about the situation trying to see what need I might be able to meet in that person. Swallowing my pride believing that perhaps it was bigger than me feeling respected and valued. Not because I don’t know my worth… Not because I have Stockholm syndrome and like being abused… But because I genuinely allowed God to show me the bigger picture. That person and I have a very productive relationship now. They remember how I used to react to their flaws (which haven’t changed much) and can’t believe the change in my response. Seeing me raise the standard for myself and simply invite them to meet it with grace and patience has actually made them want to be better. I still set a boundary… I still let them know that I need to keep going and if they can’t come with me I would be sad… But I make room for them constantly. And I started doing this unthinkable thing the book suggested, I made sure to keep rewarding them for what they were doing right rather than getting on them for what they were doing wrong. Even though at first it was hard. I stopped arguing and trying to prove myself. I stopped taking it personal every time they attacked me because I saw it as a problem with them instead of me. And I started just focusing on myself and how I wanted to be better and put that person in God’s hands. And everything actually got better.
This person now addresses ￼me with the utmost respect and values everything we do together now. ￼I wanted him to be the bigger person… I wanted him to let me have my moment of weakness and understand my trauma and pursue me… But I knew that most likely it wasn’t going to happen and that I needed to be the bigger person. The truth is I usually have to be the bigger person… With my family… I mean the amount of old friends and ex-boyfriends who have reached out to me in the past few years apologizing saying they wish they had valued me when they had me is crazy. And I’m just to this point where I need grace and mercy. I guess this is why I find respite working with youth that are mainly disturbed. This is why I find temporary solace in giving them a safe place. ￼I am doing my best… I try to do that thing where you don’t bleed on people who didn’t cut you… But sometimes to be honest if you approach me and realize I am bleeding, you should just know what you’re getting yourself into and decide whether it’s worth it. Because I really am worth it. And I’m so sorry that most people will not be able to see that.
No, I don’t think that people should use their own pain as an excuse to hurt others… but when they are being upfront and telling you, "Hey, I’m hurting..." And you want them to have it all together still... Idk what to think about that…. I’m wondering if there’s anyone out there that can just see me and love me with all of my trauma and all of my mess as I become whole. Is there anyone willing to help me move the mountains I have only begun to climb.￼ And yes… I have God, which is every Christian's quick reply when I voice a need, He's the only reason I made it this far. ￼But God created family and friends and He did not mean love to be so fickle. ￼
It is really hard to be human when we always have to be enough, not allowed to have weaknesses or be in a stage of growth without someone walking away and labeling us as toxic.￼ That’s why couples divorce, friendships end, churches divide. ￼Who can truly love?